You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
