He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
