Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
