Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
