like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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