her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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