pop tarts are not kleenex
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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