How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
