I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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