I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
