Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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