I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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