is your mom at the bar?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
