Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
