it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
