No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
