You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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