I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
