Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
