I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
