Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
