Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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