I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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