I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
