Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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