Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
