Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
