I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
