Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Someone came in the potted fern
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
