another moral hangover. fuck.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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