We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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