Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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