If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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