You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Randomize
