So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
