I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
