If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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