What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
