The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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