Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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