Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
