I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is my gift to your gina
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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