oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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