i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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