if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
