if you like me you must not know who I am
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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