I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
