I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
