So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
