you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
