i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
