Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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