theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
