Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he thought i was a dude.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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