you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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