I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
