I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
