I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize