1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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